Coloring Book

my garment does not speak for me.

your eyes do not know what you see.

the depths, the layers, the filigree

my hair does not define my intellect

the vision that your profession accepts

the ethics that built my tenets

are not written in your minutes

I’m thinking, just thinking

you’ll soon be sinking

the Titanic never saw the glacier sneaking

Ganesha Cards 3 Card Spread: #22 Harmony, #47 Joy, #25 Be Candid

From Angela Hartfield’s Whispers of Lord Ganesha


You deserve to feel good about your existence.

The card is symbolic of what will bring you happiness in your life. Reflect on your personal values and attitudes. “What do you believe will bring you the outcomes you are longing for in order to have a complete and happy life?” The color orange can refer to a period of socializing, activity and new adventures. It is related to the sacral chakra and symbolizes happiness and love. The things we store in this domain are our feelings, emotions, pleasure, sensuality, intimacy and connection. When this chakra is clear and energy balanced, you are friendly, compassionate and empathetic. A strong sense of belonging and feeling good about your life through alignment.


Joy is the state of the heart and soul

The union between the heart and soul is to achieve expansion for a greater good. “Even when your life is in flux, you feel a deep knowing that whatever might happen will be for the highest good for all involved.” This brings forth spiritual determination. You will ultimately find happiness even through difficult circumstances, such as those you are currently undergoing.

The current stress and exhaustion are acknowledged. As you work to adapt to new patterns of behavior and release your old stories you make room for joy. Happiness might not be ever-present right now, but striving through difficult situations are important.

Be honest with yourself; allow yourself your feelings and emotions. You are urged to realize that you came into this lifetime to undergo certain experiences to learn very specific life lessons. If your heart is feeling wounded, you may be struggling with deep feelings and sentiments that may have even been repressed in you (for lifetimes).

My PATTERN reveals that I am meant to go through a series of wounding and healing to become a source of guidance and support.


It is essential to express your truth even at the risk of standing out.

Express your thoughts! In the past you have stayed quiet to maintain peace. You’ve swallowed your words. “Have faith that open and honest communication can bring resolution to the situation.” This card is about communication. If you are not sure where you stand; ask. Let emotions and dialogue flow without blocking them because of concern. The goal is also to have enough self control to not come off as uncaring and rough.

Teal represents the throat chakra and speaking and listening. You are a good listener and can diminish the chances of miscommunication and misunderstanding. You are able to express yourself as a spiritual being, speaking honestly and from the heart. You are able to ask for what you want and need from others.

Your relationships are based on truthful communication and true intimacy. This card invites you to create emotional balance and stability in your life.

National Suicide Prevention Day: I just had the thought


For my birthday this year I set up a small donation on the very charitable social network called Facebook. It was for the national suicide lifeline. I did this because during the school year several of my students were hospitalized. I could’ve been one of them so many years ago.

Part of it is the pressure of being perfect. It really can be that simple for some people. But you have to understand that being perfect takes a lot of work. There are a lot of different people in situations that they have to mold themselves into. Depends how flexible you are and I am technically hyper flexible. This is actually a fact. No one needed to tell me I was hyper flexible but I did learn that hyperflexibility is a disability. It is also a source of pain. Some people think that because they cannot touch their toes there’s something wrong with them. When I was 13 and almost dislocated my right hip playing soccer, I was still able to go to the doctor, in pain, stand up and bend forward placing my hands flat on the floor. Behind me. For him, I wasn’t that damaged.

But I was damaged. Every month I suffered from bouts of sciatica so bad that I would limp or drag my leg around in high school. While an undergrad, I went to the College of Chinese Medicine in Santa Barbara because it was affordable acupuncture. I had so much scar tissue that built up over the years and the acupuncture was the only thing that helped mitigate the pain. The scar tissue had to be squeezing my nerve. I would lose sleep. And within 10 years of this injury I had numerous MRIs done to show me they had no evidence.

I am now 40 and I can still do this. But now they call it yoga. My physical flexibility has not benefited me. And for 13 years I played soccer with all my heart because it was the only thing that brought me joy. My grandfather said if I ever did that again I would have to take up golf. At 13? Please. But as it turns out my dad got me some lessons and I learned that I had a bad ass long shot. (Is that what it’s called? Well, I crushed it!) The next year my grandfather died. He was my mentor. Then I began to cut myself.

I mean what does cutting oneself really mean to the general public. The imagination could run wild.

You also have to understand that my grandfather died two days before my 14th birthday. So we had a death, a birthday and a funeral within a week. How could I honestly absorb being wished a happy birthday when the only person in the room that cared about me, in depth, was dead.

So one day I was walking in my parents front yard. They had begun to landscape on their own, planting several rosebushes and other flowers. They covered the ground with pebbles. I walk through the garden to offer myself a bit of grace, but I guess that’s not really what I was looking for. In all the rubble and space I found a heart shaped piece of glass. It took me a minute to realize it was glass and not a clear rock or some quartz tossed in. My brain processed this heart shaped thing as mine. Why would I have found some thing so small amidst all the other small things?

My heart was broken so I took a heart shaped piece of glass and tried to feel something.

I was embarrassed but it was my own private shame so… It’s my party, I’ll cry if I want to. I don’t recall doing this too much because I continued to play a combination of sports throughout high school until I almost broke my ankle my senior year. I was warming up for the state semi finals. There is a small hill to go over from the parking lot to the field. Whatever stupid thing happen next, I rolled my ankle and new it was at least a bad sprain. I played the next two hours on that ankle. It was a gladiator moment and I didn’t want to let my team down. I also didn’t want to sit on the sidelines and watch them play without me, again.

I think getting tattoos stopped the cutting. I didn’t really think of that behavior in the same way some people do. Some people say they get addicted to having tattoos etched into their skin. I don’t remember hurting myself like that but I did continue to get tattoos.

When I turned 30, my brain told me I didn’t want one more tattoo. I just didn’t need any more. The symbology I chose was telling my story. Unfortunately I realized that this was all mental illness playing itself out over adolescence and adulthood. I didn’t want any more tattoos but since I was in a bad relationship I began cutting myself.

When you are not allowed to express your feelings no matter how absurd or chaotic they are, you make decisions about how you’re going to handle it. In previous posts there are Easter eggs referencing some of those times. I never wanted to admit these things. They are part of the vulnerability that people tend to avoid. So to change the chemical reaction in my head, I took a razor to my skin and it calmed me down.

When I found a Psychiatrist we played medicine roulette until something started to work. And by work I mean numb me. Stop me from crying when I might naturally do so (which might not be natural to others). But I have a bad stomach and too many pills make me sick and it wasn’t stopping me from suicidal ideation. We agreed that I would stop taking the antidepressants and just take anti-anxiety meds. It’s the anxiety that makes everything worse. I believed I could survive if I took a blue pill.

I have since stopped this behavior. It likes to linger in quiet places until my brain becomes overwhelmed. I would rather destroy myself then hurt someone else. It’s perhaps best to do neither.

But this week has been really difficult. I’ve had some sort of breakdown for the last 7 days. My friends don’t need the worry. My bosses don’t care, they just hope I don’t cause more chaos than we’re already dealing with as this pandemic confuses leadership on how to lead.

Then I read an astrological statement that said during Mars retrograde you shouldn’t get a tattoo. This is because when this planet “takes a seat” you can apparently do more harm by getting a cut or burn. It would take longer to heal or possibly lead to other problems.

I have to be honest. I talk about honesty on here all the time but I’ve learned to be vague enough. Today I clearly wanted to come home and hurt myself. If only for a moment of relief. The worst part for me is seeing what I’ve done to myself. You might not know what I’ve done to myself, but my body and my spirit know that I’ve been fighting to stay alive.

The one question that pops up over and over isn’t why did I ever cut myself? It’s what am I keeping myself alive for?

Actually Autistic Blogs List

A list of blogs by Actually Autistic bloggers


“One man's constant is another man's variable.” Alan Perlis


Paradigm Shift, Mindfulness, and Personal Empowerment